What the Deal Is

 What the deal is that I am considered mentally ill but have no intentions of killing myself or anyone else. I never have. I have never wanted to shoot up an elementary school or a hospital or a former workplace.

In 2004 I was assaulted by a mentally ill coworker named Amazetta Anderson. The agency I worked for was run by a woman named Mary Terry. I was fired for being afraid to work with Amazetta afterwords. No shit.

Instead, Mary Terry, of Southeast RCAP kept Amazetta for the next 10 years, while I went on disability, because she instructed her lawyer firm to tell people I assaulted Amazetta.

It's amazing what employers will do to avoid a lawsuit. I took her to court.

I won $945 a month and a right to call my service dog a service dog.

As a result of this lawsuit, I live in shitty conditions, with shitty people who hate me. My life has gone down hill in the past two years.

I live with someone who is only happy when I turn over most of my money to him everyday. The unicorn meat eating cat lives a very unhappy life. Do you need a room mate? I come cheap.

There And Back Again

I haven't written in a while because I have been bonkers. Another manic episode grabbed me like, as my Mom used to say, like Grant went through Richmond. After a winter punctuated by the flu and recovering from a broken ankle, I was fairly suicidal coming into April. So the man who loves me took me to the hospital.

The nurses took me to the viewing area, took my picture, gave me something to eat and talked to me for a while. After that, I qualified for a trip to St. Albans in Christiansburg, VA. I recommend this facility to anyone who has any problems at all.

Not only did I gain 20 pounds from the good food, I got to see one of the most beautiful gardens I have ever seen. I saw nandina, norwegian pine, hibiscus, roses, peony, day lilies and lavender. I saw gerbera daisies and iris, kale and cabbages.

If it wasn't for all the insane people in there, I would have stayed forever. And some of the people weren't all that insane.

Here We Go

The rain is starting to fall here in Southwest Virginia from Hurricane Florence. I can't write of what I don't know so I won't write about the devastating effects she will bring on the Carolina coastal region. I will write about how she effects us.

It has started to rain here already, as she is far south of us. It's a light springy rain in this fall season, rather misty and foggy. The skies are gray and tumultuous. The thing I notice the most is the quiet of the animals, especially Georgia, my gray tortie. Yesterday, she was upset, biting everyone who tried to pet her. Today she is quiet, resting on the foot of the bed, or eating quietly.

I wonder how the horses are acting today.

We bought bottled water early, on Monday, and batteries, flashlights and peanut butter. We have a short wave radio. We have extra dog and cat food, and a freezer full of ice. Thank God we live on a small hill. Even so, we have sand bags piled in the driveway to divert the water from the foundations of the house.

I no longer have fields to wander through, only in my mind. But there is a park across the street, and one that is one house over, so I watch the trees to see how they react to the storms coming. I still wander with Max, my dog, across those fields to feel the rain on my feet.

Sometimes at night, I wander down the street to walk Max and smell the oak trees and grass that is abundant in our neighborhood. We have a good many rabbits and squirrels around us, instead of the deer and turkeys I am used to. But animal life is life, and I rejoice in it.

We will see what is coming. She is big, but we are ready.

In the End

In January of 2016, I took in a friend who needed hospice care. Wayne needed a place to die. He didn't want to die in the hospital and I don't blame him at all. Hospitals smell funny and they give you your pills in applesauce. Dying is rather routine in a hospital.

So I put Wayne in the sunny front room. He was blind by then so I described the room to him while holding his hand. I told him I would be with him to the end. I thought it would be no problem, as I had been there when my Father and Mother died. I held both their hands and felt their spirits leave their bodies. It was sacred to me.

So for the few days I had Wayne, I gave him his meds and cleaned him up and fed him. I talked to him about our tv programs and about how he would see his 21 year old son who died of a drug overdose. The cancer had spread to his brain. He hated me. He cursed me. He loved me. He  didn't want to die.

He died one morning calling for me.

I am bipolar. And I have other disorders. After all three deaths, that of my Mother, my Father and Wayne's, I have had a mental collapse. After Wayne's, I ended up in the hospital, a mental institution. There was no such available help for me after Mom and Dad's deaths. I just didn't have the insurance or the money.

After Wayne died, I collapsed in a very public way on Facebook. I contacted Bernie Sanders, I contacted the FBI, I  thought the CIA was after me.

I want to apologize now to all the people I offended in that period of my life.

I was insane.

I have no excuse. Death makes me insane.

Since then I have gone to no funerals, or taken responsibility for any more dying people. I can't.

So I apologize to all of you out there who were offended by my insane posts in December of 2016. I don't remember much of that month, except for the kindness of the people of Catawba Hospital and the high school friend who managed my care and came back a month later to help me move.

But I would like to say this: Live your life. Love those around you. Live in the moment. Every moment, every day is precious.

Fields of Winter

Harry Golden once said that when most people say they love winter, what they really mean is that they love the feeling of proof against the winter. That is, they like being warm and cozy inside, or a good fire in the winter time, or Christmas, etc.

What I mean is that I love winter. I love the bare branches of trees with the moon at the top. I love seeing the shape of the fields and the golden grass that grows in winter. I love the way people walk briskly by while I walk Max, my dog. Horses are energized in winter, with their breath streaming out.

Light has a particular quality in winter. It is whiter, and illuminates more. The shadows are sharper in winter. Only pin oaks and evergreens have leaves in the coldest time of year. Bark is darker on trees and then there is the miracle of snow.

Like manna from Heaven snow falls. It melts on your hands or sticks to the grass. It forms an icy rim around ponds, and clings to the banks of streams. It collects on roofs and windshields. Snow tastes like daffodils scent in springtime.

Crocuses grow in snow, their purple tops capped by white, the green leaves unfurling underneath.

We are heading for a time of no snow, no cold. We are heading for the warming of the Arctic and the destruction of polar bears and penguins. We are on fire, hell on Earth. 

Only you can start the change. Vote against climate change. We can't turn back but we can head for the future and fix what we have started.