In the End

In January of 2016, I took in a friend who needed hospice care. Wayne needed a place to die. He didn't want to die in the hospital and I don't blame him at all. Hospitals smell funny and they give you your pills in applesauce. Dying is rather routine in a hospital.

So I put Wayne in the sunny front room. He was blind by then so I described the room to him while holding his hand. I told him I would be with him to the end. I thought it would be no problem, as I had been there when my Father and Mother died. I held both their hands and felt their spirits leave their bodies. It was sacred to me.

So for the few days I had Wayne, I gave him his meds and cleaned him up and fed him. I talked to him about our tv programs and about how he would see his 21 year old son who died of a drug overdose. The cancer had spread to his brain. He hated me. He cursed me. He loved me. He  didn't want to die.

He died one morning calling for me.

I am bipolar. And I have other disorders. After all three deaths, that of my Mother, my Father and Wayne's, I have had a mental collapse. After Wayne's, I ended up in the hospital, a mental institution. There was no such available help for me after Mom and Dad's deaths. I just didn't have the insurance or the money.

After Wayne died, I collapsed in a very public way on Facebook. I contacted Bernie Sanders, I contacted the FBI, I  thought the CIA was after me.

I want to apologize now to all the people I offended in that period of my life.

I was insane.

I have no excuse. Death makes me insane.

Since then I have gone to no funerals, or taken responsibility for any more dying people. I can't.

So I apologize to all of you out there who were offended by my insane posts in December of 2016. I don't remember much of that month, except for the kindness of the people of Catawba Hospital and the high school friend who managed my care and came back a month later to help me move.

But I would like to say this: Live your life. Love those around you. Live in the moment. Every moment, every day is precious.

Fields of Winter

Harry Golden once said that when most people say they love winter, what they really mean is that they love the feeling of proof against the winter. That is, they like being warm and cozy inside, or a good fire in the winter time, or Christmas, etc.

What I mean is that I love winter. I love the bare branches of trees with the moon at the top. I love seeing the shape of the fields and the golden grass that grows in winter. I love the way people walk briskly by while I walk Max, my dog. Horses are energized in winter, with their breath streaming out.

Light has a particular quality in winter. It is whiter, and illuminates more. The shadows are sharper in winter. Only pin oaks and evergreens have leaves in the coldest time of year. Bark is darker on trees and then there is the miracle of snow.

Like manna from Heaven snow falls. It melts on your hands or sticks to the grass. It forms an icy rim around ponds, and clings to the banks of streams. It collects on roofs and windshields. Snow tastes like daffodils scent in springtime.

Crocuses grow in snow, their purple tops capped by white, the green leaves unfurling underneath.

We are heading for a time of no snow, no cold. We are heading for the warming of the Arctic and the destruction of polar bears and penguins. We are on fire, hell on Earth. 

Only you can start the change. Vote against climate change. We can't turn back but we can head for the future and fix what we have started.